Losing You To Those Before
by Shenko007
Summary: In a world where the Qunari have enslaved humanity, the unlikely alliance of the Divine Mother and the hated Anders resulted in a final ditch effort to send Anders back to the beginning, to the destruction of Lothering...M!Hawke/Anders slash
1. Chapter 1

Losing You To Those Before: Rewind

_I love you, even after death..._

Those were the last words of his lover, the haunting melody of that promise echoing even in the deepest recesses of his mind. Not even Vengeance could mask it, even if the spirit wanted too. Although he and Anders are one and the same person, the blonde mage could feel the spirit's lament, as if it too mourned Hawke's death.

"Anders, are you ready?"

The frail voice of the Divine Mother called out to him almost harshly and his head jerked up, his eyes aglow with blue fire. She started and involuntarily stepped back. Then she regained her composure, not willing to showing weakness in front of her rival.

"I have always been ready to do what is necessary," the mage intoned in a deep voice. The Divine Mother's eyes narrowed at the demonic voice, but something was off with it. It was hard, but not as, not as evil sounding as it used to be. Then her eyes widened at the implication of the change.

"Justice twisted into Vengeance. Vengeance's converted to retribution." She whispered almost reverently. The hard lines of her face creased even further, making her look older than she really was.

"Understand this, human. Once we're back, none of this would happen. _You _wouldn't happen."

"Same goes for you, demon." She replied haughtily. Anders gave no reply, knowing that even as allies, she was goading him into attacking her, verbally or otherwise. Instead, he gave a perceptible nod before staring at the Maker's alter. He muttered something underneath his breath, the words imperceptible to the Divine Mother. The cup of lyrium mixed with Anders' own blood exploded into red fire and the area around the two darkened to where the only light source was the altar itself.

The hoarse shouts and cries could still be heard somewhere behind the darkness. The Qunari growls and shouts for their surrender surrounded the altar, but neither of the two most powerful figures in the desperate war flinched. They had lost too much to these foul, unforgiving beasts.

The door cracked suddenly and the Divine Mother hissed at Anders, urging him along, to speed up the spell. Another crack followed by a thunderous roar of "Capture the saarebas! Kill the Mother!"

The Qunari charged in, the basra in lead, his baton clenched tightly in his hand and ready to be used for capturing the blonde mage.

The Mother stood protectively in front of her ally, a bow wielded expertly in her hand as the first arrow flew swiftly and truly into the leader's heart. The basra released a weak gurgle before falling back, the arrow's poison racing throughout his collapsing body.

Unfortunately, the death of the leader prompted the others to rush and the Mother fell before her enemies, her head quickly cut off by a Qunari blade. The mage grimaced at the death of his rival. While he had always disagreed with her views on magic, he had never truly wished for her death, at least not at the Qunari's hand.

"Saarebas, you're coming with us!"

"Back, you Qunari heathens," the mage growled menacingly and before the leader could step forward, blue fire streamed forth unto him and his group, enveloping the horned humanoids in the fiery blaze.

"Your resistance is futile! Everything you have done is meaningless. Your Hawke is gone as is the Hero of Ferelden despite the traitor's effort!" Another shouted hoarsely at him and a spear was thrown straight at the mage. It was thrown back by the mage's shield, which exploded, covering the area into darkness.

A scream cried out and those who looked unto the battle from afar had to shield their eyes from the blinding white light, only to look at the ruined scene of charred bodies and building. Later, when the Arishok strolled down, to examine the scene, the only remnant left was the Mother's decapitated body. The mage, the leader of this futile rebellion, was nowhere to be found...


	2. Chapter 2

_Tell me what you kill to save your life...to prove you're right..._

30STM, Hurricane

Notes: Anders' POV centric; _blah_ – Anders' thoughts.

Chapter 2

"Anders? What are you doing here?"

Anders' heart seized up at the sound of that voice. The low-pitched voice sent shivers throughout his body and he prayed to the Maker that maybe he was just dreaming. The life he had just left was just some sick figment of imagination.

"Anders? Please...please wake up, love," the voice urged him, pleaded him to open his eyes. "You're not supposed to be here...not now..."

_What does he mean?_ _I meant a lot of things and that meant drowning the world in blood with your death._

"Your love for this mage was the death of you and your death has been avenged." Another voice, one horribly familiar to the blonde mage. Honeyed eyes snapped open and he found the two most important figures in his life standing before him.

Justice for his part looked very different from his first sight of the spirit, when Anders was forced into the Fade during a chase of the Baronness. His eyes, once full of fire for the injustice of the Fade and of the mortal realm, now shone with white brilliance with a hint of amber in their depths. He didn't wear the full set of armor like the first time. Instead, he wore the dark robes of a mage, with gauntlets covering his hands and he bore a strange-looking staff.

"Justice, don't tell me you did this..." The handsome spirit of Hawke turned to the spirit standing solemnly beside. "Not after all what I tried to do..."

"Your death was necessary to change me from Vengeance. Now I am free of my mortal prison."

Hawke's eyes turned sad at the fact and he gathered Anders in his arms, holding him tightly. Their bodies somehow held their solid states, even in the spirit world. It seemed as if that was the breaking point for Anders. At first it was just gentle hiccuping and sobs. At the warm touch of Hawke's lips against his forehead, tears slid down his cheeks and he started to cry in earnest now. His hands clutched at the front of his lover's robes, afraid that this was just another dream. Just another haunting memory of his miserable life.

"Sshh. Sshh. It's ok, love. Everything will be ok."

A strong hand thread through his hair before coming around to cup his chin and gently but firmly tilted Anders' head up.

Hawke looked remarkably younger and Anders was shocked to realize that he had indeed been lucky enough to capture this man's heart. The soft blue eyes gazed back at him thoughtfully and they were framed by sharp cheekbones as well as a pair of thick eyebrows that did little to deter the beautiful visage of his lover.

The sharp contrast between the spirit's face and the blankness, the stark expression of those dead eyes that had stared back at him in death made his stomach lurch, if that was possible in the Fade. His hands roved across the hard planes of Hawke's back and he clutched even more tightly at his beloved, releasing weak whimpers as his memories of his past life crushed him with their burden.

The arms that wrapped themselves around his slender form tightened even more, almost crushing the willowy mage against the strong chest. The blonde relished in it, however, and he felt Hawke's lips press against each cheek, as if Hawke was kissing his tears away.

Hawke pulled back and Anders, distraught that he was so emotional in front of Justice, tried to regain his composure.

"The war has been won in the Fade," Justice said. "The Maker..."

"I can speak for myself, my faithful follower," a deep voice called out in a chiding tone, like a father berating a child.

Everybody turned to face the newcomer and even the spirit of Justice displayed some form of surprise. His eyes grew wider, albeit marginally compared to Anders'.

White light shone brightly around them and they could only see the outline of the Creator. As he walked closer to them, it seemed as if the very fabric of the Fade weaved around him. The soft hues of silver and blue flowed around him until they finally settled to fill in the face and the body of the visitor.

For Anders, it seemed as if the Creator took on Hawke's appearance. As the face shifted a little bit, the mage realized with a start that the Creator had a hint of everyone he loved, from his forgotten mother to Hawke, even to Ser Pounce-a-lot. It was undoubtedly disturbing and yet, at the same time, it was comforting to Anders. To face something familiar, to know where those faces came from brought Anders some comfort in his death and his reunion with Hawke and Justice.

"Anders Terefael," the figure whispered to him but to Anders, it felt as if the voice boomed inside his head. Was this another trick? A demon come to ruin his prospects as usual?

"No, no demon would dare to use me as an illusion. It is not within their power to do so." The Maker gave him a gentle smile and he took the blonde mage's hands into his own. He turned them over, to have the palms facing upwards.

"Anders, you have suffered much in your life as anyone else like yourself. However, your task had never been fulfilled." A tingling sensation shot up Anders' spine and the mage was sure that the Maker hadn't intended for the result to be erotic.

"My task? To free the mages?"

"No, my son. Something in which you have been neglecting: your happiness. You've sacrificed everything for others, keeping nothing for yourself. Not even Hawke. The war has been won, but at a terrible cost, something that I've already foreseen and still regret in letting it happen. The Veil has been permanently torn between the mortal realm and this world. The dreams of the lost, the faithful, the demons, are all mixed together. There is another way to win this war...something that doesn't involve the sacrifices of those faithful to me."

"You mean the Chantry?" Even in the Fade, Anders couldn't let go of his particular hatred for the doctrine-minded institution.

"No, my child," the Maker voiced in a sad tone, "all who had never lost any faith in me, whether they acknowledge it or not. You would be surprised at how many in the Chantry don't uphold my ideas."

He stepped closer to Anders, who hesitantly took a step back, still unsure of the Maker's intentions with him. The young man merely cupped his cheek in his hand and kissed his forehead, whispering something against the pale skin.

The words made Anders dizzy and the world swirled around him, as if it was tilted on an axis. Afraid of losing Hawke again, he let out a petrified shout, a hand raising to grasp at the Maker, at Hawke who stood at his side like old times. Hawke took his flailing hand and gave it an assuring squeeze before whispering in his ear, the words overlapping the ones from the Maker.

"Remember that I'll always love you, in this world and the next. In one lifetime and in many lifetimes." Those were the last things Anders heard before he heard a horrible, tearing sound, as if someone was pulling the Fade apart.

"Find another way, Anders...you must find another way..." the Maker's whisper followed him and Anders gasped as air rushed into his lungs. The cold air caused him to open his eyes and a clear blue sky greeted him.

There were shouts of something, words in a familiar dialect to him. The certain lilt of a feminine voice and a guttural male voice called out to each other, getting louder as time passed by until he was staring blearily at two very familiar faces.

"Bethany! What did I tell you about running off like that? Mother's going to kill us, me especially!" The male grumbled angrily at him. The female just ignored the man and Anders felt cool hands brush back the errant hairs from his forehead.

"I thought I felt something around here," she finally replied as her hands ghosted over his body, which was unfortunately nude. It apparently didn't faze her, however, and he felt the ever familiar warm sensation of a healing spell wash over him.

"Don't tell me you can feel humans. Is that another one of your magic abilities," th_e_ male sneered at her and Bethany jerked her head up, eyes flashing in anger and hurt. The male visitor looked a mite chagrined and he sighed heavily. "Look, we better get back to big brother. He'll want to know why I took so long in finding you."

"Oh shut up, Carver," Bethany said but in a light tone. "You knew exactly where I was. You were just too slow in keeping up with me."

_Oh...this must have been before Lothering...before everything happened. What am I doing here?_

"It's ok, stranger," Bethany reassured him and Anders tried to say something, but all that came out of his mouth was an unintelligible groan. By the Maker, he hurt! Is this how being brought back from the dead felt like? He'd rather stayed dead then /..._Remember that I'll always love you...in one lifetime and in many lifetimes.../_

Hawke's words echoed soothingly in his mind and Anders was suddenly glad that he was brought back. Perhaps the Maker had given him a second chance to save everything, including his Hawke. The visage of his lover appeared in front of him and stayed with him, even as the world darkened around the two faces peering down at him in alarming concern.

-TBC-

A/N: Sorry guys, I just had this idea of a story running around in my head ever since I had the Hawkes meet up with the Cousland in 'Wolf of Highever' story. It has finally come to fruition after all and it'll be different from WOH. Don't worry, I'll finish WOH and TLA. I'll update TLA next after my exam, which is tomorrow. In the meantime, **please kindly review! They really do encourage me to keep going!**


	3. Winter: PreludeDeja Vu

Chapter 3: Deja Vu

"_No! Noo! Don't you dare! Don't you dare die on me, love!" Anders shrieked at the horrifying scene that unfolded in front of him._

_This wasn't meant to happen. The Hawke Battalion, named for Hawke and all he stood for, was in sudden disarray as the Qunari ambushed them, flanking the hapless mages and Templars from behind. The intelligence, it must have been wrong. Was this a deliberate betrayal? Or something random due to a miscommunication? It didn't matter anyways as the one thing that kept Anders sane, that drove Anders from the brink of despair in his hopeless war, first against the Templars and now against the Qunari, fell under the onslaught of the Qunari._

_Vengeance roiled angrily beneath his control but Anders had promised his lover that he wouldn't set loose the devastating spirit, the one that attacked without mercy, without acknowledging friend from foe. In the past, he had successfully quelled the anger, the rage of the spirit. Today, the dams of control broke and all he saw after was Hawke's dead eyes, all he felt was the cooling body of his precious..._

"_...wake up...please...wake up..." someone spoke to him._

A hard shake roused him from his nightmare and Anders bolted up in bed, a scream of Hawke's name escaping his dry lips. A warm, heavy hand soothed his back and someone murmured his name gently in the darkness.

"It's ok...it'll be ok...you're safe now...no one will touch you..." _That voice! No...is this another dream?_

"You're with the Hawkes now...sleep..." The air grew heavy and warm around him. At first Anders fought against it, terrified of the unknown. Then, the person sitting next to him sighed and forcefully took Anders' chin in his hand.

_Beautiful..._That was the last thought Anders had as he stared haplessly into two gorgeous cerulean orbs. Sleep gently overtook him and for the first time in a long while, he slept dreamlessly, comforted by the presence of his mysterious caretaker.

-o0o-

Anders woke up to a damp cloth being laid across his broad forehead and gentle fingers soothed his sweaty brows. He was hot...too hot and Anders, from his long experience of being a spirit healer, knew that he was suffering from a fever. Even spirit healers could be struck down by sickness albeit at a lesser rate than their normal colleagues.

"Maker's arse, he's shivering," someone cursed out loud and Anders tried to laugh at how things never changed; even in this lifetime, Hawke had always cursed in his world and it seemed to be the same in whatever world he was in now. The laugh didn't come out as expected, turning into a pained moan as his chest hurt.

"He's cold...even the fire is not helping..." an older female voice whispered and Anders turned to face them, tired of not seeing their faces. Two blurry figures sat beside him. The taller man pulled a lock of hair behind his ears and his hands glowed a soft blue as they ghosted over his blanketed form. Anders gasped at the glow and he realized with a start that this Hawke was a mage. His Hawke was a proud warrior, his hands and arms strong enough to wield a two-handed Qunari sword. Now though, his caretaker was a mage. What could that mean? Did that mean the siblings would both stay alive? Or both die? What dire consequences could arise from this one simple change in a man's life?

Another fear gripped him. Templars! They could come at anytime! They had to know his caretaker was a mage!

He struggled to move his limbs and he managed to sit up, gasping and panting in agony and in the effort it took just to raise his body.

"Damnnation, he's moving despite that sleep spell I cast on him..." Hawke's voice sounded strained and it was because he was trying to push the mage back. Anders, having been on the run for decades, was stronger than he looked and he used that strength to oppose his caretaker's efforts. Unfortunately, the fever left him weak and all he could do now was wheeze from the strain.

"Shit...he's stronger than he looks...even for a mage..." Hawke panted and the blurred female figure placed her cold hands on his head.

"He's still hot, Ein," she said, "but his body feels so cold...he seems to sleep well when you're with him." There was something being said underneath that statement. The man named 'Ein' nodded and the female figure rose up and left the pair.

"I hope you don't mind this, stranger..." Ein said and clothes rustled softly in the now empty room, with the fire crackling behind Ein. Anders let out a soft moan as a hot body slid in next to his and a strong arm wrapped around his torso, bringing his naked man next to the equally naked body of his Hawke. "But you came out a bad time and this is the only way to keep you warm..."

Anders sobbed as slender fingers stroked over his flanks in a comforting manner and he curled even closer next to Ein. The warmth seeped deliciously into his tired body and Ein's sweet voice lulled into sleep...

-TBC-

**A/N:** Major thanks to my reviewers: **YoshisSupport, gatorsnacks, david9999**, who have followed my stories from the Dragon Age games, and to my new fan, **Shattered Rose of the Past!**

So what do you all think of this story so far? **Plz review!**


	4. Winter: Part I

Winter – Part I

_Warmth. _That's how he felt and he reveled in it. He snuggled closer to the source of it and moaned as soft hands soothed his shoulders and back.

"Ein..." he whispered his beloved's name, his hands tightening around the source of it. The source stiffened for a moment and there was a whispered exclamation coming from it. Suddenly it drew away from him and the coldness of the winter seeped into his fingers. The blonde mage whimpered and tried to grasp for the warmth again. When it didn't return, he realized two things: his Hawke was dead and he _wasn't _cuddled next to him.

He opened his eyes and he bolted back in shock when the person stared back with intense blue orbs that had never failed to capture his attention.

"How do you know my name?" The man spoke in a surprisingly hard tone, a tone that the mage wouldn't match with his gentle Hawke. "Speak, now."

"I...uh..." _Shit, how do I explain this?_

He was saved from explaining when a door opened, the creaking sound distracting the both of them and directing their attention towards the newcomer.

It was Bethany, who had an armful of fruits and veggie. She almost fell over, the weight of her cargo throwing her off balance. Luckily, Ein had come to her rescue and caught her in time.

"Thanks, Ein. Unlike you, Carver is taking his sweet time with his help."

"Hey! I had to help out a farmer further down the road!" A younger male voice cried out from behind and soon, all three Hawkes were piled into that one room with him. He shouldn't feel intimidated by them. He had known Ein and Bethany for years. Carver, on the other hand, was a new element and Anders had a feeling that the other male wasn't as open to other mages. It was in the way Carver stared at him, those dark brown eyes glaring at him accusingly. Apparently Ein had noticed the way his younger brother was staring and he stepped in front of Carver, blocking his view.

"Carver, go help mother with the fire. It's getting dark soon and she needs all the wood she can get before the sun sets." There was a hard edge to Ein's voice and it jolted Carver out of his careless observation. The young brunette just grumbled something that Anders couldn't quite hear and promptly left the room. The room got a little bit less cold for Anders and he breathed a little easier now.

"Is he better now, brother?" Bethany asked Ein, placing her burden on a small wooden desk that was closest to the door. "He was really sick yesterday."

"He's better now. I may have to ask him something though." Bethany's back straightened and her head twisted sharply to regard Ein. Anders couldn't see what Ein's facial expression was as the older Hawke's back was turned to him. He did see Bethany's lips move but he couldn't hear anything. Was he going deaf?

Then Bethany nodded in a silent agreement and continued taking the fruits and veggies out of her woven basket, with Ein putting them else away, storing them in a bigger cupboard. Once it was completed, she leaned forward and gave her brother a gentle peck on the cheek before following in her twin's footsteps. The door shut softly behind her and Anders could have sworn that the room got remarkably colder, especially with the way the handsome Hawke was staring at him. Those blue orbs had hardened into diamonds, a look that Anders had seen many people get on the receiving end of his anger. He had never expected for himself to be in that same category as them, however, and it greatly disturbed the ill man.

His hands fidgeted in the blankets that wrapped around his naked form, clenching and unclenching themselves.

"I need to know something," Ein began to say, his hand beginning to glow in a soft blue hue. He walked towards him, the slow strides bringing up red flags in the blonde mage's mind. _What's going on? Is he going to...is he going to hurt me?_ "Who are you? A blood mage? "

"What?" Anders' exclamation left without him thinking about his answer. "Maker's breath, no!"

"You were found by my sister and brother, wearing nothing." Ein was now standing above the mage, his intensive gaze making Anders a little uncomfortable. His Hawke had always been a little bit rough around the edges, but this one seemed to be even rougher. Perhaps due to his temperament as a mage on the run. "How convenient that the day after my father dies, _you_ show up."

Anders' eyes widened at that revelation. Yes, he remembered his beloved having talked about his father. It was only the once. In fact, most of the facts he learned about Malcolm Hawke were gleaned from his sister as she told Anders that he reminded her of the late Malcolm Hawke.

"If you're not going to talk, I have ways, but I really don't want to use them. Father told me to only use as a last resort, to do whatever was necessary to protect my family. Tell me, mage, are you a threat? A blessing? Or just some happenstance of the Maker?"

"Ways? You mean..." Ein's eyes darkened when Anders put two and two together. He clambered back on the bed, trying to escape from him. He would never have guessed it! Never have guessed that this Hawke was a blood mage! Oh, how the Maker was ironic in his gestures. Anders had never liked blood mages. It corrupted even the best intentioned mages and he never met a good, blood mage. Can there be a good blood mage?

Anders' eyes hastily searched for the telltale scars on Ein's arms and true enough, he found a single line that edged along the forearm. Was Ein now controlling his mind? Reading his thoughts?

Then Ein did something unexpected: he backed off and the soft, blue ball of energy faded into nothing.

"Well, you passed the test." Ein smiled and it was a genuine one at that, throwing Anders even more off guard. What in Thedas was going on? Had Ein put him to sleep with his mind and he's just having wild dreams again? The dark-haired man knelt on the side of the bed and sighed as Anders hadn't budged from his spot.

"I'm sorry about my scare tactics," the man apologized. "But Templars have been patrolling our area a lot more often than usual. They must have felt the spell go off when Father passed away. I had to know if you were a mage sent by them as a scout. They sometimes do that."

"So," he began to say timidly, "are you? I mean...that scar on your arm..."

Ein grew puzzled and then he realized what the blonde mage was asking about. His eyes quickly glanced down, at the single line on his forearm. "Oh this? I was trying to set a trap and it sprang on me. The scar never healed and I'm really not much of a healer..."

"Let me see," Anders didn't give Ein a chance to refuse for he placed his hands on the forearm and he shivered as little bolts of lightning struck him. Even Ein felt it but neither commented on it. Instead, Anders closed his eyes and was extremely happy that the Maker still let him keep his gifts. The familiar, tingling sensation of magic flowiing out of his fingers felt good to Anders and it seemed to wrap around the scarred forearm possessively. Someone moaned and Anders didn't know who emitted. All he knew was that the wound healed and relief rushed through him as he saw the wound close from his healing spell. If Hawke had been a blood mage, any scars made to use the blood as an energy source could not be healed by any healing spells or even potions. The question though, why hadn't Bethany healed him?

"It's healed..." a husky voice called out to him and the closeness of it startled him out of his thoughts. This time, he found Ein gazing at him thoughtfully, as if debating on something. "So, you must be a healer? That's good. Me and Bethany don't really have that capability. She tried and it just made it worse."

"Oh, I see." _That answers the question then._

"But I'm serious, who are you? I feel like I know you from somewhere." Ein's body edged closer to him and Anders couldn't help but let out a hapless moan as heat radiated from that strong body. Even as a mage, Ein still had his muscular form, probably borne from having to do the majority of the upkeeping around his home.

"I..." Anders' throat tightened. Should he tell him the truth? Would that in of itself change everything? For the better or for the worst? Anders tried to explain and he was shocked to find that he really couldn't remember anything now. What happened to his memory? He focused again, perhaps reasoning that the stress of his situation maybe made him forget temporarily. No memories came to him. None from his childhood, from his time with the Grey Wardens, and even worse, all those years he spent at his late beloved's side. All he could remember now was the odd tugging feeling of having Hawke as an old lover, but that was it. Did the Maker take his memories away? Was it to protect him or Hawke? To allow Anders not have to lie about where he came from?

"I don't know..." Anders finally said and his sight blurred until he could no longer see Hawke's face. Was he crying? For what? His lost memories?

A strong hand cupped his cheek and a thumb rubbed underneath his eye, erasing the tears that had travelled down his cheek. "At least, tell me your name," came the gentle request.

"Anders...my name is Anders."

Ein repeated his name slowly and Anders, even through his tears, could tell that Ein liked the name by the way his eyes brightened.

"Anders, I'm Ein."

-TBC-

**Many thanks to my reviewers and readers. I love you all! :D**

**Since this is a brand new story, I have considered on who to pair up as couples. All the characters from DA II will show up in the story, but much later. So, please tell me who you want to see paired up in this story! Of course, Hawke and Anders are together. :D**


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